Well, let's see. Derek and I were in a fight about something I am not really sure about what. I had a feeling he wasn't telling me the truth about things and he was going to cheat. So, I decided to start going back onto Gaiaonline and just take my mind off things. So, I was on there for a couple of days I bought a car on there and decided to go and race people on there. A lot of the rooms were packed so I chose one near the end. There was a choice of at least 40 rooms and a couple different areas to choose from. So I raced a couple of people and ended up racing some guy and I beat him and after the race all he had to say was that he was better in person. So, we got to talking about piercings and such and ended up talking on yahoo messenger. We shared pictures and he turned out to to be really attractive and my type. I believe that same night we talked on the phone and he asked me out I said yes and that was on July 22nd. We talked for a while and everything was going great except when he would get easily depressed about certain things. We met for the first time when my mom decided to go on a trip to see her bf in NY and when I dropped her off Terry and I had already made plans for him to be there as well so it would just be a one time trip. When we got to my house I want to say like an hour he comes onto me so that happened. That week we worked on my car and it was like a vacation we went to the beach and just had a really good time together. I didn't want him to leave. We kept on talking when he left and then he came out again on Halloween the day Kira got out of the hospital we were so happy to see each other I truly missed him. I had never fallen in love with someone so fast. I believe it was only 3 weeks that it took. He met some of my friends and told me that I couldn't talk to my friend Jennifer anymore because Derek had gone to her birthday and he wasn't ok with that. I mean we would be on the phone almost all day every day and if we weren't on the phone we were texting. It was the first time I had felt such strong feelings for someone my entire life. We talked so much that I had to switch phones about 3 times in one convo at that point the only thing that really bugged me about him was the fact that when he was playing video games he expected me to stay on the phone and just listen for hours on end and would get mad if I wanted to get off and do something else. But one day we were on the phone and I got into a fight with my mother and she made me pick him or her so I made the mistake of picking him. I moved to Texas Dec 4 and not ever going there before I was scared because I didn't know what to expect. When I first got there we stayed with his mom and that was a nightmare. All his mom and her bf did was fight. And I found out Terry was talking to his ex and that he had lied to me saying that it was a lesbian so I went through his phone and found out otherwise. It was the time his mom tried to give us a 9:00 curfew that we decided to go back and live with his grandma. But in order for us to stay in the same room we had to get married. At first I was excited but the night of our wedding at around 2 in the morning he wanted to go out and meet people I never met and didn't know so I thought that was a little suspicious. He ended up not going we ended up getting married and the whole ceremony I couldn't even look him in the eye. I had a feeling I was going to regret it. I was then forced to delete my myspace because I have ex bf's on there and I wasn't allowed to talk to any guys unless they were gay or I had known them for a long time. Thus I lost a lot of my friends. My friend Andy and I were messing around and he as a joke sent me naked pics of himself in a text and I didn't know that they auto saved to my pics. So Terry ended up seeing them and thought the worst it was on our annerversary and he took me to an abondened parking lot telling me he was going to kill me. For that I got grounded from my phone and it had a lock on it only he knew and I had to be near him to call my mom. He had people watch my every move. Mind you I had found pics of his 15 year old ex who is also his cousin on his phone. We got into frequent fights about her he ended up choking me on the floor because of her and after I found out I was pregnant one night he pushed me against a wall while I was holding Kira even after I begged him to let me put her down. He ended up punching me in the stomach and holding a knife up to my throat and then said he knew a place that would bleed really well and put it to my stomach. I tried to leave him many times each time I would try and call my mom and he would ground me from my phone once again so I felt stuck. Things were going pretty well except his obsession to have a threesome. We moved into our own seperate building and things were going great he had stopped putting his hands on me and instead would drive off to the gas station and get a soda then come back I thought things were getting better. Until he asked if his friend Andrew and his soon to be fiancee could come stay with us I stupidly said yes. And things were fine for the first week and then I would come home with her head in his lap and everything. He wouldn't even sleep in bed with me. I was so hurt and confused. Because of her he ended up putting his hands on me once again. He said moving to another place would help so that is what we did and it just got worse because of that 3 guys and 1 girl threatened to jump me if I tried to take my daughter back to Cali with me. And then took her away from me. Then one night he pulled me off the bed by my hair pushed me against the wall and slapped me and his friend walked in then walked out at that point I was done I couldnt take anymore. So, I waited for all of them to leave packed up some stuff and then left. I was supposed to leave a little after New Years but he asked me not to go to work things out so for the kids I stayed. And he stayed at the other place and I stayed in mine he kept promising to come home and never did he kept saying if I bought him shit for his car he would but he never did. I tried to stop talking to him after hearing many things about him and the girl he made me watch him with 2x to prove that I wasn't jealous that they were not only sleeping together but were dating. And everytime I did that he would call my phone continually he called his grandma, his brother and then on jan 17 he came over threatening to hurt Kira if I didn't talk to him and it resulted in us having sex. I thought things were getting better but it was all just a lie. He said a lot of hurtful things to me and about me to his grandma. And he told his grandma the money he stole from me to take everynone home was a lie he just wanted to get away with his grandma and the day he came back he wanted something sexual what a jackass! It got to the point where practically all of his family was talking about hurting me so I just had to get out of there I didn't feel safe anymore. I am sure I am leaving stuff out but all of this is still so upsetting because of all of this I can no longer feel anything about anyone. I always feel numb I dont have anything to offer anyone anymore I feel. I probably wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for my 2 beautiful little girls and I am so grateful to have them and couldn't picture my life without them. So, that's all I have to say about all of this and I hate myself for this but a part of me feels like I still care about him a lot and I hate it! Fuck love and all the bullshit that comes with it!!!!

Well, once again it has been a little over a year since I have written and so much has changed. Let's see....I got married Jan 9th, 2008 and that honestly was the worst mistake in my life I had so many doubts when I was walking towards him asking myself what the hell am I doing....And I was right. Things were fine but only for a little while that was around the time he kept pressuring me into doing a threesome with him. So, we went onto everything and anything to find a girl but every single one was only interested in me and he didn't like that much. I didn't even want to do this...And then in November it just got worse. I was pregnant working a full time job supporting everyone just about. And then when I was at work one day Terry calls asking if his friend and his soon to be friends fiance could come stay with us so they could spend time together and I said yes. That was my first mistake right there. I would come home and his friends fiance would be laying in my husband's lap. And yes, I was jealous. So, that consisted for a while then to prove I wasn't jealous he made me watch them together twice..And I think that just made it worse I don't even know how I sat there and watched that. So, he took all of my money and making false promises saying he was coming home and stuff. He even went crazy when I told him to go fuck himself and not talk to me anymore he called my phone over 10 times he called his grandma, his brother, and then came over the next day. And one thing led to another and we had sex...He told his grandma that we were looking for another girl because I couldn't satisfy him which is a lie we were looking for someone so he could get his fantasy. And I wasn't the problem he was he said that sex with me felt more like a job then fun and that's why he didn't like it. But you know the funny thing is if I was so terrible when he came and visited me in California those two times and he had sex with me and he didn't like it he didn't have to continue talking to me or anything he could have just ignored me but whatever. He even went on a trip that he stole money from me for and the day he came back even though it was a trip to get away with his girlfriend he came to my place wanting to do shit with me. He doesn't even care about his own daughter just because he is sure that he is never going to see her again..Which was his choice and his fault. And now I am with someone else and I don't know if I am capable of feelings anymore or love. My heart just feels empty and unable to feel. I am over him but it's hard not to talk about him because I did truly love him more than anyone else I have ever been with. I mean I left all of my friends and family to be with him. We don't talk anymore which is a good thing. Especially since that girl came around all he did was put me down calling me fat all the time even when I was pregnant I mean give me a break they are only 1 day short of being 13 months exactly apart I didn't have that much time to loose the weight I am not a magician! And now his little girlfriend is bigger than I am now which I find funny I guess it is Karma. This whole situation has made a bigger impact then anything I have gone through before. Even when Kira's dad cheated on me with a guy which I still find fucked up but you know what can you do? You get over it and learn from the exp. So, I have two beautiful daughters Kira-Ann, and Madison (legally Anastasia but I am changing it because I refuse to have her named after my husband's new girlfriend or his car). And I love them more than anything. My older daughter will be two Oct 22 and the youngest will be one Nov 21. I really wish I could escape from the drama but I don't think that's ever going to happen.

Well, it has been a long time yet again....Well, surprise surprise my mom kicked me and Kira out and I am now living in Tx who ever thought she would let me go. I do admit it has been somewhat hard on me since I do miss some people out there :(. I have never been away for this long. And I really miss my animals I know that is a really weird thing to say but my dog has been with me through everything. And my cat was already abandoned once and I did it again. But I seriously hate drama. I found out Derek actually got a job after I leave heh. Well, that is all for now.

Well that is it after 6 months of being in a relationship it's over. And to think it ended on New Years I still do not know what I feel or think about it I know that it hurt at the time but I am really over it now because I know that I have to go on and I cant let stuff like that bring me down. I just dont understand why he would lie to me from the start about how he had a gf named Janelle and stuff. And how he wanted us to break up since our 3 month peak but he couldnt do it because he was too attached to me what kind of stupod shit is that I mean my god. I still think that there is a force or something against me that just doesn't want me happy. I mean I had wanted us to break up anyway bu I dont know. I mean I wanted to get back with my ex but after what he told me I guess that is out of the question. All I need to do know is just walk away and move on I think the only thing that is going to be hard for me is to go to school and see him every day. But I just dont care anymore. All things happen for a purpose. Well that is it for now I just dont know what else to say and I just want to put this behind me and never think of it again and I will remember what happened on dec 31 and know that I moved on and got stronger.

Well, another boring day at school I seriously cant wait to graduate and get the hell out of there especially the drama which I hate. At least all of my confusion will be subsided. Well next week we ae going on X-mas vacation I mean there are some reasons I am looking forward to it and some I am not. Well I got a job at Subway there's a shocker heh. I seriously cant wait to move out of Oside too many bad memories are here for me. It does suck though I want to move to NY to get away from my mom but now it's kind of pointless since I guess now she wants to move there as well so what is the point I mean I was moving there to get away from her and now I am going to be stuck with her all over again. But yeah that is enough bitching for now so later.

In a secluded room I catch myself dreaming of you hoping for another chance to make things right but knowing that day will never come I wake up and face the real world.

Well last night was good times I went to the MCR concert down in San Diego. And that was the hottest concert I had ever been to in a very long time since there was alot of hot guys there I mean what ever happens at a concert stays there. The guy my mom bought the ticket for me from was sooo fucking hot I mean that was totally worth waiting for. But MCR was awesome but so was AFI. It was really tiring trying to work my way up from the middle of the moshpit all the way to the front of the concert I suceeded though because I kept on telling myself that that would bring me closer to gerard way because I was going to try and get some pictures but they all turned out blury so it was kind of pointless. But almost 6 months with Michael whoot good for me since it is a miracle and a new record haha. well i am going to go with my friend somewhere so I guess I will write again when I have some new drama or something to talk about.

So, I have got this problem and for once it isn't something I have done by something. How do you convince your mother something is wrong when she will not accept the truth and will not even start to listen to it. My mom resorted back to the internet shortly after my step-father passed away and she met this other guy in this chatroom. I dont like him at all I think the only reason why she is with him is because he remindes her of Bruce which is really sad. I mean all it seems like she cares about anymore is her feelings and she wont even begin to listen when I have a problem. It is truly unfair. She kisses him in front of me because she knows that it upsets me because I hate this I cant stand this anymore I mean she is hiding all of this stuff from me like i find out at the last min he is staying here for 2 weeks which I think is really unfair since I also live here. It just seems like my opinions do not matter anymore to her. I even told her I am no ready for another man in my life so soon because of the past situations I dont think someone can be that desperate for attention that they have to resort to the computer. I even am coming home late because I am sickened with the thought of coming into the house we moved with Bruce into and now she is with some other guy. I may sound selfish but it isnt it is the job of being a teenager. I mean he refuses to talk to me unless he has to dictate or tell me some sort of chore to do it isnt right as Bruce said in the past I wasnt brought here to be a slave. I dont ever want to do work around here when he is here because I hate the fact I have to be home with someone that isn't Bruce I know I should be happy for my mom but I cant be when it feels so wrong I mean my feelings toward this are hatred I hate this guy and I dont even know him because of the fact he is trying to replace Bruce. And I know this is true. And there is no way in hell he could be a psuchologyst because if he was he would know you shouldnt kiss a childs mother especially when they are not over the loss of a loved one I mean what kind of sick person would do that. I hate living here I try and stay with my friends as much as I can and I dread the time when I have to go home. I know this isn't a normal feeling this. But I dont know any other way to feel. I miss him so much even after all of these months and having another guy here is killing me. I have no resorted to any cutting or anything but I cant deny the fact that I have wanted to because every person that I have gotten close to in my life has left me. Where ever I find happyness it always turns into depression or sadness. I was truly happy when it was just me and my mom but she had to ruin it.I shouldnt have to feel like this in my OWN house. I feel like a stranger here now. I dont know what to do anymore. I was told this was only going to be friends does she really think I am that dumb. I may be 17 but I am not stupid. I dont find it right that I wasn't told how often he would be out here. I think I should be informed of stuff that would be going on where I live. I dont know who I could talk to about this because people tell me just to deal with but I am not like that I cant sit around like everything is ok I woould just be a walking lie. I dont think I could be a psychologyst anymore because if I cant help myself in a situation like this what would lead me to be able to help other's in the same problem I would be clueless.
I hate my life right now and it doesn't even matter to her anymore.

Well hello again. Another day of boring school but isn't that how it always is yes it is. I am sooo happy I got the new MCR cd and it is awesome because the cd is fucking awesome. The other night Michael made me dinner and I was actually shocked because it was super good to my surprise I have never had a guy make me food before so it was good. He left early today which kind of sucked but that is okay. So I am officially going to Paris in April I know it is far away but I am still excited to go since it is my dream cd I am going to miss people here tho so I need to buy a laptop before I go so I am going to try and raise money for a $700 one I saw on Best Buy. I got this really cool ring yesterday you wear it a certain way if you are single and the other if you are taken so it works. Some people who will remain nameless are really getting on my nerves I mean grrr. I dont know maybe it is just because I am pmsing that I am like this but I doubt it. So my mom is leaving November 3rd until the 9th so I get the house to myself isn't that awesome well I think so but I dont plan on staying here during then really so yeah I already have somewhere in mind :) lol. SO yeah that is it for now so I am going to go I guess so later.

So it is 2 days before my 4 month annerversary. Excited, Yes. But even more so I am surprised every single relationship almost before seemed like I knew it wouldn't last and when I did want it to last I ended up getting hurt some how I mean I was afraid to get into a relationship. I mean I can name a few where I know it just felt right but I was proven wrong either by a simple get lost or I am not ready I mean something must be wrong with me I thought. I felt like guys were only wanting one thing and like an idiot I gave it to them now that they had the one thing they wanted they dumped me like used trash. But, this relationship I dont know I have never had a fight with a bf really and this one seems like we never will and somehow for some reason that just doesn't seem natural but I really dont want to fight anyway. I really am in love but I dont want to be because in the past when I let myself go physically and mentally with that person they ended up throwing it back in my face like it was nothing but to me it wasn't nothing. I gave them my world, my emotions and all I got back in return was heartbreak which doesn't seem like a fair trade. But in happier notes my annersary which I am so surprised about IS almost here so I am so proud of myself. I feel so comftorable and in love when ever I am with him I am so afraid of this new feeling because I dont want it to stop I truly want this to last and I am scared of the thought that all of this happyness could be taken away from me just as easy. I just dont know anymore I guess you can say I am confused about alot of things. But that is enough bitching for now so I guess I am going to go.

Another day without Michael god what is wrong with me. I cant take this until friday. So far I have been walking around school like someone died and I want to cry but I cant. I hate being like this. I mean I know it has only been 2 days basically but shit he said he would call/write every day. How is that supposed to make me feel I know him having a good time is his frist priority but where do I come in. I find myself STILL having my phone near me non-stop and still checking my emails. I guess I am just a fool. I just feel like I dont matter, that I am unimportant. I am not trying to whine either I just I dont know. All of my friends dont see what I am going through and could hardly care since they are thinking about themselves and relationships. I miss him so much and that is the hardest thing for me to admit I miss everything. Even when he does stuff I dont like. I just want him to hold me again and let me know everything is ok. I dont see how/why I am like this. And when he comes back I know I cant tell him about all of this because he would probably think I am a weirdo that is too attached or something. I am just proud of myself since I haven't tried to hurt myself in any way, I mean that is what I did in the past when I felt like this. I mean I am even listinging to really corny songs and when I hear them I think of him it is fucking degrading that someone can do this to me. How do you know when to give your heart to someone and know it isn't going to be ripped to shreds? I dont know. I just want this pain to stop but I know it wont. That's all for now.
"If I gave you my heart would you keep it and cherish it? Or would you rip it to shreds and make me pick up the pieces?"

Well today is the day that Michael leaves for his trip, I never thought saying goodbye would be so hard. I tell myself that I am not attached since I told myself that wouldn't happen but I think it did. I really didn't want to leave this morning. Do you know how hard it is to leave the one you love knowing your not going to see them for 5 days well I know now. I know it isn't that long. But, we haven't been apart since we started dating. For once in my life I actually cried because of a guy I dont know if that is a good or bad thing. I think he was going to cry also but didn't show it. And when he was holding on to me I didn't want him to let go. I will be so lost without him. It sucks though because he wrote me a letter and he was going to give it to me and at the last minute he couldn't find it. I guess I am not as good an actress as I should be since I couldn't hide that I wanted to cry. I find myself not leaving my phone and continually checking my email just in the small chance he will write/call me it's sad, maybe desperate but I really do love him. I guess I am scared not just of that but many things. I dont want to loose him but I know it will happen since that is what always happens because guys suck. Well I am done being emo for now so late.

Yeah, yeah school is back oh joy. Hmm, I wish I could say I was more thrilled but i'm not. Alot of drama has already happened which is the sad part since school only started last week on monday. Good news though on the 17 it will be 3 months for me and Michael which is a historic moment for me so far this year. God, I dont know anymore. I am happy with him but I just dont know what will happen when I graduate and he will be a senior the only way I could see a relationship lasting with those circumstances was if we were to live together or something. I am so proud of myself though usually I am horrible at history stuff but in economics I got my first test back and I got 95/100 which is only one wrong I even have it on the fridge as sad as that is. But oh well. So after high school I am thinking now about maybe becoming a drama teacher or a psychologyst which one I am going to do I dont know since I have a passion for both. And I definitly need to get a job right now I dont care where I just need the $ since I plan on going with my french 3 class to Paris during Easter vacation and $1859 I know my mom wont give me to go. Even though she would be rid of me for a week. Well that is all for now. so tata.

Well it has been a long time! Well on the 17 of July I had my 1 month anniversary with my bf it was the best anniversary I have EVER had with any bf I have ever had. I mean on top of him buying me a card and a dozen flowers, he also wrote me a poem, a list of why he loves me, he bought me a shirt, 2 bellybutton rings, a necklace, arm warmers, pictures. I mean I really do not deserve a bf who treats me like this I am used to the ones who treat me like shit who always had me worrying if it would be over or not. Let's see what else I am going to see MCR this weekend on the 5th I am soooooo excited to see Gerard's new hair cut haha. And then my b-day is 16 days away as off today. Two things are happening that day firstly of course it is my b-day but it is also me and my bf's 2 month anniversary. So I look forward to both plus I am going to be officially a senior soon on August 28th school starts back up normally I dont like school but the sooner it comes the sooner I get out of that torture. I feel like I truly understand the definition of LOVE I have never been a victim of it because I wouldn't let myself because I didn't want to put my heart on the line and then have it given back to me in pieces. But now I feel like I can finnaly let myself love someone and not have that worry. Hopefully I am right this time!! But that is all for now.
peace xoxo